Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
