woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
