So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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