Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
