i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
