The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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