I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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