I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
