my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
