It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
