My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize