He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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