dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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