I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize