new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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