On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
too bad you live with your parents still
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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