Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I think I won the penis lottery.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
