You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
