duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize