Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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