so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
someone owes me an orgasm
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
