she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
