I just cut my nipple shaving
my shit smells like andre
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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