I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize