I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
