You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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