i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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