seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
