We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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