I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
