im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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