if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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