he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
i've created a new STD.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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