All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
