I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
