I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
