His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
