Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
