This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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