Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
and she was petting her beer can
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
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