GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
