from now on my penis is your penis
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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