i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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