I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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