I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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