If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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