i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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