my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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