I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
