I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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