I will die if light touches me.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
