dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
