I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
