I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
