Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
