Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
where are my eyebrows?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
