I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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