I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
