4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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