you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
