Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
