Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
my being single is dangerous.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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