His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
