member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
