Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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